With my eyes closed, I cringed with as I put one foot on it's cool glass surface, then the other. I exhaled extra big and made myself think skinny thoughts. I opened my eyes and looked down. I got off, got on again. I tilted a little to the left. Then off again. Then on again, tilting a little to the right this time. Nothing. No change. And this, it sent me into a downward spiral this morning.
Why? Why do we (because I know I'm not alone) allow these numbers to tell us our self-worth? It cannot measure our happiness, our health, or our determination. Why do we let ourselves be defined by this? Why does the number on the scale have to be what we use to measure our success? I wish I knew the answer(s). Maybe it's all the years of television and magazines telling us we have to look a certain way. Maybe it's all those before and after pictures we see on the internet of women who have lost XXX lbs. Maybe it's just ingrained in us. It's this magical number we told ourselves we wanted to reach and it's become that unobtainable goal.
That's how it's been for me, anyhow. Two and a half years ago I gave myself a goal weight to reach. I havent' reached that goal and it's kinda driving me bananas. It's kinda silly because I don't think reaching that magic number is going to make me a better person or any happier (ok maybe a happy dance would be in order, who am I kidding!!). I know I should step back and look at the big picture. Two and a half years ago, I never imagined I'd be running half marathons, obstacle course races, and working out more than I ever have in my entire life. No, 2 1/2 years ago I just wanted to be skinny. Over time, as the weight started to come off and I started to really enjoy running and races, I told myself it wasn't about being skinny anymore. It was about being a better version of myself. It was about being healthy and strong. I know I should think about everything I've accomplished so far. I should be happy with my changes and I am. I really am. So, why do I still want to reach that goal? I think it's because I told myself I could reach it and now I'll feel like a failure if I don't. Yes, that's it. I've had this "goal weight" for so long now and I feel like it's so close but I just can't reach it. I'll feel like a quitter if I stop trying (read: obsessing) to reach it. But, you know what? I've had it! I'm done feeling annoyed, frustrated, and just plain mad every Friday morning and I know the hubs is over it too (Sorry, babe!) So, I'm doing it. I'm breaking up with my scale. It's going away. Far far away where it can't hurt me anymore (yes, I am being a bit melodramatic here) But maybe, just maybe, then next time I exhale extra big won't be on the scale but a sigh of relief and contentment. Because being happy and healthy is what matters!